catapult magazine

A masterpiece conspiracy

by Andrew Kachel

In the near future, a construction crew will dig an enormous hole to China and will inadvertently discover that the Earth is hollow. This revelation will shatter every culture’s understanding of how the world works. All nations will demand justice, and some will even demand blood. The Man, a global shadow government, will step forward and accept full responsibility for creating an extensive papier-mâché crust with wooden props for scenic landscapes to fool the masses.

Before the construction crew’s discovery, The Man will have had their fingers in every atrocity known to the human race. Their mysterious leader, who bears an uncanny resemblance to the sea monster from H.P. Lovecraft’s short story “The Call of Cthulhu” will have influenced humanity through the belief that altruism is dead. This was an easy task because man was first created from the dirt causing his belief system to be easily molded and formed to fit the whims of others. The furthering of one’s own genes was a clever way to distract humanity from the hollowness of their own existence. Once man comes to realize he was manipulated he will rebel, and make the words of Socrates his own: “I know that I am intelligent because I know that I know nothing.”

If you are troubled by the previous two paragraphs, please turn on the news and watch footage of Eyjafjallajokull spewing ash and lava into the air. This will return your mind to reality and assure you that Earth is indeed concrete and full of magma.

Worldviews affect everything. For example we can return to Socrates’ statement and deduce that he perceived the world as being a hollow empty shell. Christians might view the world in a similar manner, but hold to the belief that Christ is a solid foundation in their lives. The refrain from Edward Mote’s “The Solid Rock” is familiar to them: “On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.” So as Christians do we really believe that all other ground is sinking, or do we have a few favorite sandbars, which we like to vacation at when it isn’t Sunday?

As stories of corruption in the Church fill the news, Christendom is beginning to look a little sandy to the outside world. From stories of clergy covering up incidents of child abuse, to divorce and heartbreak plaguing Protestant denominations, it looks like Edward Mote’s hymn is sung in vain. The Earth may be solid, but will we one day discover that The Man had his way with the bride of Christ, manipulating her into believing that she could build her house on the sand rather than the rock?  

A marriage counselor recently told me that the three most powerful words we can tell someone we care about are not, “I love you,” but, “I was wrong.” On the shores of the twenty-first century maybe it would be more relevant to tell God we love him by confessing how wrong we are about what we build our lives upon.