catapult magazine

I cannot refer directly to the official CINO mission statement because it is offline, being updated. I seem to remember previously, however, that it said that CINO is a place for thoughtful, encouraging discussion between believers, namely Christian believers hoping to reform contemporary culture.

BBC referred me here a while ago, and I was happy to see this website exists. I question my place here, however, even though I appreciate being able to read the articles and posts here. I question it because I doubt so much. I have been raised in a strongly believing Christian home, and for most of my life I unquestioningly believed as my family did. Then as I developed as an individual I started questioning the reality and truth of my beliefs. I’ve been in this state for years now, feeling attached to Christianity but uncertain of Truth. These days I wouldn’t call myself a Christian anymore. Not because I feel unworthy, just because I don’t trust it enough at this time to submit myself to even its most basic, catholic-ly accepted beliefs. Does this mean I ought not to have a place here? I can accept it if the answer is “yes.” But if the answer is “yes,” I’d still like to finish this post before I’d say good-bye:

Ok. As I was saying, I have considerable, far-reaching doubts about life and God and Christianity. To some extent, I’ve accepted that I’ll never feel absolutely sure of anything I put my faith into, and maybe that’s ok. But it’s difficult. Perhaps why I linger and fret and don’t dare to trust more than I do is because I simply fear putting faith in Christ without feeling confident in his rightness and Divinity beforehand.

I hope many of you would agree that doubt is acceptable, even an integral part of faith itself. I don’t know if I’m alone here, but for me, for a long time now, I have more doubts in the validity of Christianity than I have trust in the providence of a specifically Judeo-Christian God. And sometimes I have plenty of doubts as to whether God is there at all, or whether He is here and not good, when He seems cruel to me. I am not writing this as a charge to “prove Christianity to me,” but to affirm the reality of doubts, great or small, in our lives.

Part of my doubt comes from considering the problem of sin, of pain in our world. I understand that being in pain can lead to the strengthening of your spirit, and a greater appreciation for the blessings of life. I understand that making mistakes and consciously doing what we know to be wrong can lead to negative consequences, and here, too, we can learn and grow out from these consequences, becoming wiser and more understanding individuals.

But sometimes—for me, much of the time—pain simply hurts. I don’t see what I can learn from much of my suffering. I have a feeling that in my life—and in most people’s lives—I will encounter some wholly inexplicable sorrows, pains that will simply make me hurt and never lead me toward spiritual growth.

Maybe this, too, is somehow ok. I would suggest that CINO would benefit from having a forum for people to vent about their most confounding doubts or troubling pains, where members can admit to not having any answers about something right now, and where no one attempts to give any answers in reply, especially simple answers.

Sometimes—for me, often—people need to have times to simply say, “this just hurts,” when they are unable or not ready to find any answers or consolation. And people need to be allowed to admit, “I don’t understand,” when they are confronted with serious doubts.

But with this suggestion, I wonder again if I am proposing something anti-CINO. Would this go against CINO’s previously mentioned intent to keep discussions “encouraging” (again, I’m referring to the mission statement that I do not perfectly remember and cannot cite, because it is not currently posted online.)?

Actually, I think that much encouragement can come from such discussions, where people can be allowed to write something open-ended about how they just don’t understand. It is not an encouragement that comes from direct responses trying to justify sin in God’s plan or to explain the validity of trusting any certain doctrine; it is an encouragement that comes from sharing our sorrows with one another, admitting how vulnerable, uncertain and limited we really are. This encouragement manifests itself in communally weeping with those who weep and furrowing our brows with those who recognize that they cannot see the whole Truth. It is an encouragement found when we affirm that it is ok to wrestle with our doubts and be furious with God or the pain in his world, and when we realize we are not alone in having such troubles. I believe that when we can be open and share such things, we see God’s support in the fellows we exist beside, and that once we are together, huddled for warmth against the chilling winds, our hurting and directionless herd kindles sparks of hope and direction in one another.

I’ll end by asking if you think CINO could benefit in establishing a safe place to share doubts and pains. So now, in question form:
Would CINO benefit from establishing a safe forum for sharing and respecting doubts and pains open-endedly (and perhaps anonymously), or might this be too much of a downer in contrast with the rest of the site and its goals?

(and if I could ask personally to anyone who’d know: Is it ok for me to write here at CINO, considering my current position in my spiritual journey?)

for reference:

Mission Statement (old)

Primarily, Culture is Not Optional seeks to use the internet to bring thoughtful and concerned believers together for the purposes of analyzing all facets of life, developing a vision for God?s Kingdom on earth and enacting that vision through humble service.

Other goals include:
-providing a place of exchange for other organizations with similar interests.
-giving exposure to the work of artists with integrity.
-generating many answers to difficult questions in order to arrive at the best possible solution instead of falling back on arbitrary political affiliations.
-creating an archive of published work from which to draw (accurately and respectfully) for support in future work.
-redeeming the term “Christian” from its connotations of religious tyranny and social, economic and environmental irresponsibility in order to provide new associations with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control?ultimately selfless behavior.

thank you for your post, CaptainBako. you bring up a lot of thought-provoking issues.

speaking as a board member, you are definitely welcome here. please don’t let this be good-bye.

it must be clear that we do not propose to be an evangelistic organization. the problem we seek to address is not one of unbelief, but one of belief without following through in all parts of life. in a way, we are unashamedly preaching to the saved. as an organization, our goal is to build community that leads to service and this community is founded on belief in the principles of Jesus Christ.

this is not to say that sharing pain and doubt are not part of building community or that someone who is not a Christian is not welcome. i believe that even though you do not call yourself a Christian, you will find many people here who share your struggles. if you seek to build up by sharing (even if you don’t seek any answers), welcome.

from what i see, this is your intention. i believe that even community that is not intentionally built in the name of God can glorify Him because he created us to enjoy positive relationships.

however, seeking to destroy community is contrary to our mission. it’s impossible to quantify what that means, but that’s part of the risk involved with being visible and vulnerable.

i would like to know more about how a forum such as you mention might function, because i do think there is a place for it.

Thanks Kirstin. I guess this means I can stay too! Captain, you’re in good company.

What encourages me about this site is to see others struggling with issues of living as Believers (Believers who also doubt). It makes me feel less alone and more a part of a community of real human beings. I consider *cino to be a place where we explore possibilities for the Christian life in this day and age. I would hope that *cino is not just a location where we establish answers to questions or develop doctrines under which we can all be united. More than anything, it should be a place where we see those Christians who often are invisible in the broader media.

I believe, passionately, that Christians, more than anyone else, ought to be willing to talk about doubts, contradictions, and things they can’t understand, from a position of confidence, if not about their theological beliefs (for I suffer doubts too — we all do), then at least about Christianity’s ability to stand up to doubt. I think doubt is utterly necessary, and a Christian response to doubt should be that of someone who has been there. I would say that I doubt far less now than I did twenty years ago, but I remember that doubt clearly and it still echoes with me.

Stevo, you talk aobut how pain doesn’t seem to be doing you much good. Sometimes it hurts and doesn’t seem to be a function of strengthening your faith. I think you are absolutely right. Sin (in the sense of the fall) is sin and nothing more or less. When people (usually Christians) say that someone’s death was to help the rest of the family grow closer to God, or that AIDS is God’s judgment upon the promiscuous, or any other statement of the sort that attempts to devine God’s motives in allowing sin, I get ashamed, embarrassed, and angry. The way I figure it, I am a mortal, flawed sinful human, and, on a good day, through the grace of God, I can see glimpses of how it all works. But when I compare myself to the infinite reaches of the stars, and then conisder the God that made all that, the notion that I can figure out why that God allows sin, is pretty rediculous.

One other point. I think the Bible itself is clear about the value of doubt. Jacob wrestles with the angel. Thomas doubts the veracity of his Lord. Peter walks on the water, and sinks. He sinks, perhaps, because his faith is not great engough, but neither would any of our faith be enough. We get there (wherever there is) through the grace of God. That grace is undeserved and miraculous.

Plus, I like talking to you, Stevo. You are the most articulate hairless wookie jedi nerd I’ve ever met.