catapult magazine

Help

by Joanna Shumaker

“Where’s Drew?” I thought to myself.  Did I let him go to the pool?  No, I wouldn’t do that…he’s only five! Then why can’t I find him?  Is Danielle sleeping?  I run to her room, and my one-year-old daughter is sleeping peacefully in her bed.  Thank God!  Okay, now to find Drew.  I call his name and go from room to room to find him.  There he is snuggled in my bed…fast asleep.  I breathe a sigh of relief and go out to the couch because suddenly, I am so very tired!

Sound frenetic?  It was!  I was constantly worried about the children; I forgot to pay bills; I didn’t clean up spills and messes and then chastised myself for not doing so. But then, again, I was so very tired!  I could not handle everyday life; I could not handle pressure; I could not handle more than one thing at a time.  In my mind, I lived in a state of chaos, trying to remember what to do or say, and knowing I was missing it by a mile.  The only stability in my life was knowing that God was still with me.  I would cry out to Him for help with remembering things and for patience with myself as I struggled to make sense of the chaos around me.

This was my state of mind before I was diagnosed with a brain tumor that was the cause of my chaotic, frenetic life.  That time of life, what little I remember of it, was the most out of control I have ever been.  I didn’t like it.  I always wanted my life well-ordered and organized.  I knew that I wasn’t “on top of things,” and there was nothing I could do about it.  It’s amazing that the God of a well-ordered universe makes Himself real to a person living in chaos and confusion.  I came to trust in Him because I could not trust myself.  What an amazing God we have!