catapult magazine

The body, broken

by Sophie Blanc

I heard something snap.  As surely as if my arm or leg had broken.  It snapped, I snapped.  I broke in two, just like a crisp twig.  And now I am two, never again to be the same.  Will I ever be able to relate to others in the same way, have the same hope, the same enthusiasm? Will my passion come back? Will I ever be rid of the uncontrollable anger at injustices done by others, at people’s cruelty, at people’s careless words?

I heard the call to serve, the call to pull together, to build a church, to build a community, to love God and love other people.  But a community is made up of people.  And every person is a mish mash of sin and hurt. I gave and gave and then gave some more.  I struggled and forgave over and over again.  I worked.  I worked hard and when they asked me to work harder, I did, even though it cost me too much.  Even when it seemed that no one else worked alongside me.  Even when my family paid the price of time and energy I should have given to them.  I served even when I thought I couldn’t do any more because, after all, you respond when your pastor asks you to right?  In a crisis everyone pitches in and does what they can…don’t they? 

And now I’m broken and no one seems to see or even care.  They broke me.  Or so it seems.  I know in my head that I broke myself because I didn’t say no, but it still feels like my church, my friends, broke me, that they stomped on me and snapped me in two.

To whom can I tell the secrets of my heart without seeming melodramatic and without wondering whether I am exaggerating?  On good days I feel fine.  And then I hear others talking, I hear their passion, their enthusiasm, their hope and I know that I’m not fine, that I don’t want to confide in them in case I break them or in case they break me.  Again.

I know that Jesus is the only one who sees, who understands.  I hide myself away with him and wait to be healed, wait until he makes me whole again and I can trust myself to be around others and not hurt them with my emotions.  But I do wonder, will I ever be me again?